Dear writer,
It is now less than twenty-four hours until NaNoWriMo begins. So out of the goodness of my heart for my writer kin, I have written this post of advice for you, based off my nigh five years of experience in the field, before you're dropped into the arena that is November.
1. Stay hydrated, but don't
The more you drink, the more you're going to need more bathroom breaks, the less time spend writing. It also breaks the flow you have when you finalllyy fall into the groove of writing.
The less you drink, the more likely you are to become dehydrated and get nasty headaches, emotional instability, weariness, and confusion (basically, if you don't drink anything you're going to get the natural affects of NaNo much sooner).
So yeah. Drink, but don't.
2. Eat, but don't
If you eat, you're taking time away from writing. That's a no-no thing. You must spend every second writing.
But eating is important. You won't have any energy without it. Also, you know, your stomach will start digesting itself after so long. Soo.
3. Sleep, but (you guessed it) don't.
Sleep is probably the biggest issue of all. You can rush to the bathroom and back pretty fast, and you can scarf food fast while doing a quick word count check, though both are a waste of time.
But sleep? You can't write in your sleep. You can't rush sleep, either.
But without it, you're not going to be able to stay awake or focus.
Caffeine is a good way around this. I recommend making a pot of coffee using Red Bull, Monster, and some all-natural (because we're very health conscious here) energy drinks instead of water, then plopping a full box of Irish Breakfast, English Breakfast, and black Chi tea to steep in the coffee as it's brewed. If you're really running dry, try crushing a caffeine pill and mixing them in your cup.
Sadly, you can only have so much caffeine before it gives you a heart attack, which will slow your writing process down.
To avoid that, I recommend selecting one day of the week to get four to eight hours of sleep in. And then, when you wake, write as fast as possible to make up for those four to eight hours of wasted writing time and down another pot of the frankiencoffee.
Now that I have graced you with my abundant wisdom, I shall bid you adieu. Best of luck with your soon to be near death experience.
-Edna Pellen
P.S. If you weren't already able to tell, this is satire. I will not be held responsible for any poor living habits you adopt during the month of November, or any other month for that matter, and the agonizing death that they may or may not bring.
